Funny jokes

Today i have some jokes for english speaking peoples. Have fun!

The funniest blonde joke:
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….
she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said „concentrate.“
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
she studied for a blood test.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said „Airport Left“ she turned around and went home

Did you hear about the blonde that…
Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said „2 to 4 years“
Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered „C“.
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

Need Samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, „I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.“

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: „WHAT?“
„What did he say? What’s he want?“
His wife yells back, „He needs your underwear.“

I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, „I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.“
„Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!“ she screamed.
„Funny,“ he muttered, „you even sound exactly like her.“

Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

„Next Sunday,“ she said, „we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.“

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, „Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.“

About half the class rose and came forward.

„The rest of you may leave,“ said the teacher, „these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.“

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